VA now only second most ineffective suicide prevention program

NEW YORK — The Department of Veterans Affairs breathed a collective sigh of relief after the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York was named the absolute worst suicide prevention program in the United States, bumping the VA to the number two spot.

The shift comes after Jeffrey Epstein, a high-profile financier accused of selling child sex slaves to politicians and businessmen, was able to effectively kill himself while on suicide watch in prison. The intent was to keep Epstein alive so he could testify against those who used his services.

Robert Wilkie, VA Administrator, is glad to finally break this losing streak. “We thank the Department of Corrections facility, as the VA continues to fail veterans who are in a desperate position,” Wilkie told reporters. “Without improving ourselves—something that frankly isn’t going to happen—our only other hope was that an organization like this would step up and just do worse.”

Veterans served by the VA, including Navy veteran Chuck Dowdy, are also glad to see this shift in ranking.

“If there was absolutely anywhere that I would have been cheering on to dethrone the VA,” says Dowdy, “it would have been the place guarding the rich pedophile sex criminal.”

Dowdy remains hopeful that the VA can carry this momentum and turn the ship around. “I’m no genius,” he said, “but New York was supposed to keep Epstein alive for what he did wrong. I think it’s more important to keep veterans alive for what they did right.”