Upgraded Harpoon missiles will scream ‘DJ Khaled’ just before impact


WASHINGTON — The Pentagon approved $157 million in modernization costs to make the aging RGM-84 Harpoon missile system yell “DJ Khaled!” before impacting its target, sources report.

In what the Modern War Institute has called “the hottest collaboration since Nelly and Tim McGraw’s 2004 hit ‘Over and Over,’” music artist DJ Khaled is lending his voice to one of the most recognizable pieces of ordnance in the US Navy’s arsenal.

“We are pleased to have DJ Khaled as the Harpoon missile’s hype man,” said Chief Pentagon Spokesperson Jonathan Hoffman. “Our soldiers and sailors deserve the very best, and according to every song he is featured on, DJ Khaled is the best.”

Analysts in Washington say the Chinese People’s Liberation Army Navy has already signed a deal with Birdman to develop countermeasures.

Hoffman told reporters that DJ Khaled is also in talks to support other defense initiatives, including a fellowship as Mogul in Resident at the Naval War College in Newport, R.I., which DJ Khaled teased on Twitter last week month.

“The Joint Chiefs think that the Navy’s senior leadership could benefit from learning to win no matter what,” said Hoffman.

“Honestly, it was a no brainer.”

DJ Khaled’s lucrative defense contract has opened the door for other musicians to help bring the Department of Defense “on fleek.”

“We are setting the world on fire with our full suite of information technology and mission systems capabilities for fleet modernization,” said President and CEO of newly incorporated Worldwide Industries, Pitbull. “We are specialists in taking our outdated themes, tweaking them slightly, and redeploying them at a moment’s notice to new users.”

Legislators, however, are raising concerns over national security. Ranking member of the Senate Armed Services Committee Senator Jack Reed (D-RI) is particularly troubled by the NSA’s contract with rapper 21 Savage.

“Encrypting our communications with mumble rap is a recipe for disaster,” said Reed. “Make it Central Valley hip hop like Syco Muzik, 8 0 5 Star Music, or Bass Rap—something with some longevity and swag.”

“It is only a matter of time before the next generation of rap hits the scene. Then we will be stuck with this crap, or else we have to spend more money to update our systems,” he added.

Despite calls for oversight, other government agencies are moving forward with their modernization efforts, including the U.S. Army’s beta test of their new SHARP system featuring 2 Live Crew.

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