BENTONVILLE, AR—In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.
According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.
“We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day,” said a spokesperson for Walmart. “Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer.”
“It’s clear that bad drivers and poor road conditions don’t cause vehicular deaths—cars do.”
Walmart executives said they are beating themselves with a stick to atone for the deaths they’ve already caused.
“Our consciences will only be clean when we’ve been mercilessly beaten once for each of the millions of deaths that have been caused by automobiles since Walmart began selling auto parts,” said one executive before solemnly beginning to beat himself with a baseball bat.