LIMA, PERU—A recently discovered pre-Columbian burial site containing the bodies of hundreds of slaughtered children was originally considered to be part of a mass human sacrifice. However, experts have discovered new evidence revealing that the mass execution was simply leftover from an ancient Planned Parenthood.
“Our initial reaction was horror!” said Dr. Molly Locke, lead supervisor of the excavation. “It really made us ponder how a society could get to such a depraved place that they would willingly allow their young, innocent, vulnerable, children to be violently and systematically torn to pieces. There’s absolutely no excuse for that!”
Dr. Locke described the emotional weight of finding one child’s severed body after another, carelessly piled on top of each other. The whole crew seemed to stagger from denial to depression, to anger at this needless, barbaric atrocity.
“But then we found the trademark Planned Parenthood logo on the side of the temple,” Dr. Locke explained with relief, “and it suddenly all made perfect sense. The stacks upon stacks of innocent children’s mangled bodies weren’t the result of a barbaric practice by some archaic religion, but of a respectable organization that is totally civilized and not at all questionable—unless you’re a woman-hating misogynist!”
Following this wonderful turn of events, the crew intends to hold a grand reopening party.