New York Times Wins Pulitzer For Lying Buffoonery

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has set a new record for the most shameless distortion of the truth ever packed into a single journalistic sentence. In commemorating the attack on the United States on 9/11, the Times tweeted out a sentence from their news story saying, “18 Years have passed since airplanes took aim and brought down the World Trade Center.”

The Times story had immediate effects. Assistant Head of Homeland Security Richard Tracy announced the Department would change its policies, saying, “Up until now, we were investigating any young men who were named Mohammed more than three times and who blame their craphole countries on everyone but themselves and who therefore go around randomly murdering people who have nothing to do with anything. But now that we realize it’s the actual airplanes that targeted the buildings, we are centering our investigations on suspicious flying machines especially if they have those weird grins painted on the nosecones. I just find those really creepy. All this time, we thought we were dealing with a medieval religious philosophy that has threatened the existence of the West for over a thousand years and kept entire regions of the earth in theocratic religious oppression and poverty but now we finally realize it’s the planes. Thanks, New York Times, and please renew my subscription.”

The Times took the tweet down after being ridiculed as lying buffoons, but woke reporters at the ex-newspaper celebrated the new distortion record and say they soon expect to win the Pulitzer Prize for biggest lying buffoons. In a meeting held in the middle of the street, Times Editor in Charge of Wokeness Charles Woke told a gathering of homeless people, “By using nonsense terms like Islamophobia, Racial Profiling, and toxic masculinity, we on the left have managed to pack more dishonesty into fewer words than anyone outside the novel 1984. But we have now outdone ourselves in…”

Mr. Woke left the thought unfinished when my car aimed itself at him and ran him over. Don’t blame me.

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