WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Rick Perry announced his resignation as secretary of energy, President Trump announced his new pick: a small pink bunny with a bass drum. Known as the Energizer Bunny, the creature has become a renowned expert in the field of energy due to his ability to just keep going and going with tons of energy to go around.
“He has the most energy of anyone, believe me,” Trump said. “He just keeps going and going and going. It’s unbelievable really how much energy this guy has. Just watch this.” He then asked the bunny to perform a demonstration, and sure enough, it was able to walk around the stage indefinitely. “When other battery-powered bunnies wielding a drum run out of power, the Energizer Bunny just keeps walking around banging that thing. That’s what you want in a cabinet choice.”
Even Democrats were forced to admit the bunny was a great pick, with Nancy Pelosi begrudgingly congratulating Trump for his choice. “Yes, Trump is still crazy and sick in the head—but honestly, even a broken clock is right once a day. Or is it twice? I guess zero times if it’s digital. But still. The bunny is a great selection who will serve our country well.”
Duracell has complained that Trump has stock in Energizer and only picked the bunny as a PR move, but everyone thought that was a dumb complaint and that Duracell is just jealous that they don’t have a cool mascot like the bunny.