U.S.—Chick-fil-A has said it will stop making donations to Christian groups that oppose the LGBTQ movement.
The move is said to be a “good trade” as Chick-fil-A has sacrificed its Christian fans in favor of an outraged mob that will stop at nothing to destroy them.
Restaurant spokespeople say they believe this move will be enough to appease the LGBTQ community and aren’t worried about further demands from the mob until Chick-fil-A is groveling at the outraged leftists’ feet.
“In no way will this backfire on us,” said Chick-fil-A CEO Dan Cathy. “Surely the left will be entirely appeased by this move. They will definitely forgive us right away and welcome us as one of them. In no way will they hold our past activities against us. This is much better than our previous Christian audience, who were always adoring us and never protesting us.”
Cathy said the Christian fans have been great, but it’s boring just having loyal fans who support you through thick and thin, and he’d much rather have fans who stage die-ins and cancel you when you don’t cave in.
“Sometimes you just want to be loved by a group that protests you for years and calls you a bigot,” he added, shrugging.
At publishing time, a source had confirmed that Chick-fil-A was paid a sizable bribe of thirty pieces of silver to defund the Christian organizations.