SACRAMENTO, CA—California’s state government has announced it will agree to build a wall as President Trump has been pushing for, except this wall will keep people in, not out.
People trying to flee the socialist state in U-Hauls in search of a better life will be greeted with a large concrete structure running across all exits from the state. Modeled after the Berlin Wall, the structure will provide comfort and security to state legislators fearful of citizens fleeing for basic necessities like electricity, taxes less than 100%, and plastic straws and bags.
The rest of the country all pitched in for the wall, too, so Governor Newsom only needed to raise income taxes by a few percentage points to fund it.
“We realized President Trump was right: walls actually work,” said Newsom in a ceremony where he cut a ribbon signifying the opening of the wall. “It’s just that they’re a lot better when you use them to keep people in. Just look at paradise states like North Korea and the USSR. We should be following in the footsteps of these progressive leaders and not get dragged back into the Dark Ages by the other, more regressive states in the Union.”
Newsom then led those gathered in a solemn hymn of state worship called “Great Leader Newsom, Ever May He Reign.”
The wall will also have barbed wire atop, guard towers where state snipers can perch, and a 100-foot-wide moat filled with sharks and bears, just to make sure no one escapes.