ATLANTA, GA—Chick-fil-A corporate headquarters announced Friday that the restaurant will be getting a new mascot in place of the traditional Chick-fil-A cow: a golden calf.
Restaurant patrons will be asked to dance around and worship the golden calf when they enter the restaurant to show their submission to the LGBTQ agenda.
“Take off the body piercings that your LGBTQ+ same-sex partners are wearing, and bring them to me,” said Dan Cathy in a solemn ceremony while creating the restaurant’s first-ever golden calf this morning. So all the people did so and brought them to Cathy. He took what they handed him and made it into an idol cast in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a plastic fork. “This is your god, people of Chick-fil-A, who brings you great business and allows you to expand into other markets.”
Then the people worshiped in a mighty dance. And there was much rejoicing.
At publishing time, an angered Kanye West had entered the restaurant, and, spotting the golden calf, immediately threw down his copies of Jesus Is King and Jesus Is King II, shattering them to bits.
Praise the Golden Calf! Who here can deny the God-iness of Chick-fil-A? Now pass me one of those tasteless Jesus chicken sandwiches…