U.S.—Scholars are claiming that King Solomon kept his concubines in shape by presenting each one of them with her own Peloton exercise bike.
“Oh, it’s… a bike,” one reportedly said after he unveiled the bike for her birthday, trying to conceal her displeasure. “Thank you, O great, wise Solomon! Truly you know what is best for our diet and exercise habits. You are the sagest of all men on earth!” She then went and started her year-long Peloton journey, telling everyone how nervous she was, though she was already in pretty good shape.
Solomon would record video of them exercising and shout encouraging things like “Keep it up, you can do it!” and “Smile more!” Then, a year later, they could lounge on the royal couch and watch their year of progress.
All of the women agreed: “It’s just what I always wanted.”
A newly discovered early manuscript of Song of Solomon confirmed the scholars’ findings, as it contained the phrase “Behold, you are beautiful, my love; but really you should ride your exercise bike a lot more.”