ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Ahead of the annual Army-Navy game, Navy Football has unveiled their custom 2019 game uniforms. The uniforms are Donald Duck themed and come complete with a custom helmet, receiver gloves, and a new jersey—but no pants.
For the past several seasons Army and Navy have each released custom uniforms honoring individuals or units important to their respective service’s heritage. Naval Academy Superintendent Vice Admiral Sean Buck explained that he feels the new uniforms carry on that tradition.
“While Donald is not technically a Navy Grad, his short temper, impotent rage, and desire to have sex with a duck are in keeping with the noblest traditions of the Naval Academy and represent something all Navy grads can aspire toward,” Buck said.
Skeptics speculate that the uniforms are less about heritage and more about capitalizing on the popularity of the new Disney+ streaming service and an attempt to draw in new viewers to the game. Viewership has been in decline for the annual grudge match, as many viewers hate being reminded that the nation is still currently at war.
However, while going pants-optional will certainly make headlines, it’s not without risk. When asked whether “exposing” his players’ lower halves to the elements and a national TV audience, Navy Head Football Coach Ken Niumatalolo was unconcerned.
“Most of our players are like Ken Dolls from the waist down,” stated Niumatalolo. “I honestly don’t know how they even pee.” Under Armour, who designed the uniforms, has explained that for those few players with working genitals, they will have custom “Donald Diapers” available, which come complete with a feathery tail and best-in-class moisture absorption.
“The diapers are one of many great little extras with these uniforms that speak to the kind of profession these young men are about to embark upon after graduation,” said Buck. “For those Midshipmen branching Navy, it’s important that they get used to forcing enlisted seamen to wipe their asses for them. And for those officers branching Marines, potty training is something they’ll be able to conduct with their junior troops, many of whom are not currently housebroken.”