Terrorist Killed, Democrats Hardest Hit

Democrats are calling for a day of mourning for Qassem Soleimani, the man who was called Iran’s “most revered military leader,” by The Washington Post, where Democracy Dies in Darkness if they have anything to say about it.

Soleimani, who was Iran’s most revered military leader because he was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of American soldiers, was in the midst of plotting more such deaths when he himself died under mysterious circumstances, namely a missile decorated with the words, “Dear Qassem, Here’s a missile in your ear from your friends in America. Love, President Trump, and all my fellow Americans, except Democrats and The Washington Post.”

Soon afterward, Soleimani woke up in Paradise surrounded by virgins, although it was a lot hotter than he thought it was going to be and the virgins were large, muscular men with tattoos that said things like, “Welcome to hell, my new be-yotch!’

Crowds gathered to mourn Soleimani in Tehran yesterday, and then rushed home in order to continue campaigning in Iowa.

Bernie Sanders responded to Soleimani’s death by saying, “Of course he was a terrorist, but who could forget his sparkling eyes, his charming smile, and that laugh that wrinkled his nose just before he slaughtered my countrymen.”

Democrat Senate Leader Chuck Schumer wept copiously as he issued a statement to the painting in his basement of sad-eyed clowns holding puppies. Schumer sobbed, “If only the president had informed me of his decision to launch this strike, all this sorrow could have been avoided.”

At universities around the country, students poured out of their Transgender Theory classes to protest the U.S. War in Iran. They were led by Congresswoman Alexandria Occasional Cortex who told the crowd, “We cannot defeat terrorists by killing them. Only when we stand by and do nothing will they realize they can never win.”

When the students were informed that there actually was no war with Iran, they returned to their dorms and continued smoking dope and watching porn.

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