Nation’s defense contractors promise no attack against US will go unprofitable

WASHINGTON — Following calls for revenge after a U.S. strike which killed Iranian General Qassem Soleimani, American defense contractors have promised that no attacks against the U.S. will go unprofitable.

“Let us assure the American people right now, any strike against the United States and its citizens will be met with swift and costly acquisitions programs,” said Raytheon spokesman Derg Douglas. “With the full weight of our lobbying and manufacturing infrastructure behind us, Congre—I mean Iran will have no choice but to bend to our will.”

Industry executives have promised that many of the programs they develop will be so expensive and irrelevant to the war effort that Iran will be constantly on its heels, with no idea what it will be hit with next.

“Are we going to hit you with a gold plated-fighter aircraft or a 100 million dollar piece of gear that doesn’t do anything at all?” said Lockheed Martin spokesman Skipper Rice. “Even we can’t figure out what some of these things do, so imagine how Iran must feel.”

Iranian hackers reportedly altered the U.S. Federal Depository Library Program’s website on Saturday in retaliation, but defense industry officials have promised that their response will be frighteningly more long term and random than anything Iran can muster.

“The timelines to take these programs to full operational capability will be so long that Iran will be looking over their shoulder for decades wondering when the death blow will be dealt,” said Rice. “Well, Iran, let us assure you that we can drag this thing out as long as we want. Heck, we might even be selling weapons to you guys by the time it’s over!”

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