PYONGYANG — In the face of international sanctions that have hobbled its gasoline-fueled mechanized forces, North Korea has been forced to find innovative ways to maintain its military power. Its ground combat force, known as the Korean People’s Army, is now being praised for its efforts to re-form horse cavalry as a “green” alternative to traditional tanks.
“We recently learned from intelligence that the 1st Cavalry Division is the most important part of the Yankee army,” North Korean Gen. Pak Jong-chon explained. “Given that even the American dotards know that forces that ain’t cav, ain’t shit, we have determined that renewed efforts to employ cavalry are an optimum way for us to decisively prepare to defeat the Americans and defend the glorious Korean people’s revolution.”
“I am a big supporter of anything green, especially in North Korea,” said a spokesman for Greenpeace. “North Korea decreased its consumption and greenhouse gas emissions in the 1990s. That is a model I would like to see the whole world follow. There is so much more to be done.”
Pak added that this effort is in line with the principle of Juche, Korean for self-reliance, that governs everything in North Korea. “In particular we are now working to build a special breed of Juche horses that are better prepared to carry the mighty, powerful weight of the Dear Respected Marshal Kim Jong-un,” Pak noted. “The first three horses that the Marshal rode all died of exhaustion afterwards. Clearly the horses were exceptionally motivated to carry Dear Respected Marshal Kim Jong-un to victory!”