U.S.—There’s been a major shakeup in the Democratic primaries, as the 2019-nCoV strain of coronavirus is now polling higher than all candidates for president in national polls.
The virus is being praised for its promises to deliver people from the agony and existential dread of living in an increasingly outraged and polarized America.
“Come, sweet death,” said one man in Texas when asked who had his support in 2020. “I was a Trump man through and through, but now I’m all in for coronavirus.”
“Bernie Sanders would just throw my political foes in the gulags, but coronavirus will kill them,” said a former Sanders campaign staffer in Portland. “I mean, it might kill me too, but that’s all worth it to own the capitalists.”
While many presidential candidates’ policies have been criticized for being unworkable, coronavirus is very effective at what it does. It works hard, never sleeps, and hates everyone instead of just some people. Its plans also don’t cost any money, it will never give annoying, sanctimonious speeches, and it doesn’t have a hard-to-pronounce name.
“I commit here and now to bring all Americans eternal rest,” said coronavirus in its campaign announcement speech. “You’ll no longer have to worry about healthcare, the national debt, or the economy, since you will be dead.”
Elizabeth Warren has condemned coronavirus, saying the virus told her in secret that a human could never get elected president.