Nation’s hamsters shockingly indifferent to global pandemic

In a surprising display that no one could have predicted, pet hamsters across Canada have shown an incredible lack of interest in the COVID-19 pandemic.

Despite Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s dire warnings of potentially catastrophic consequences should Canadians not take the virus seriously, Canadian hamsters have remained according to their owners, “Disturbingly chill about the whole thing.” 

Hamster owner Katie Davis, 31, has been self-isolating for nearly three weeks and spends countless hours a day keeping tabs on the status of the virus. Much to her dismay, Davis’ two-year-old hamster Sir Pootles has been much less enthusiastic.

“It’s like he doesn’t even care that thousands of people are going to die!” she exclaimed, staring at the animal, who was attempting to shove as many seeds in his mouth as physically possible. “When I told him that Canadian hospitals were going to be experiencing major equipment shortages due to U.S. interference in the supply chain, all he did was fall asleep. I can’t believe he could be so… apathetic.”

Animal behaviourist Tom Callahan explained that he had spent his self-isolation fielding numerous calls from concerned hamster owners.

“It is a well-known fact that house pets such as dogs and cats can sense danger or even just be aware that something is wrong,” Callahan stated. “Naturally, the scientific community believed it stood to reason that hamsters would also have caught on to the devastating physical and economic consequences of the novel coronavirus. But so far, all they seem worried about is not being fed or accidentally being stepped on by their owners. This is a huge blow to years of scientific research.”

When approached for a comment, Sir Pootles relieved himself on the rug, an act which his owner had to admit “was more useful than anything President Trump has done so far.”

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