As COVID-19 continues to surge in record numbers across Florida, Disney World made the controversial decision to reopen to the public yesterday in the hopes of gleaning story ideas from all the parents who will inevitably die after catching the virus in the Park.
According to higher-ups at Disney, the decision came after weighing the value of human life against the sweet, sweet money making potential of the dead parent trope.
“Look, think of your most beloved Disney movies,” explained Bob Iger, former CEO and current Executive Chairman of The Walt Disney Company. “Bambi? Dead mother. The Lion King? Dead father. Frozen? Dead mother AND father. And what else do those films have in common? They were all massive hits. Killing off parents is both our most efficient way of providing a sufficient lead character’s backstory and achieving record ticket sales.”
“This pandemic will provide us with enough tragic stories to give us plotlines for years to come. Who knows? Maybe if you bring your aging mom, you’ll see your story up on the big screen some day! How magical!”
Jeremy Williams, a screenwriter for Disney, shared in his boss’ excitement.
“The story potential is endless!” he said, mocking up an adorable cartoon orangutan fighting for its life on a ventilator. “A 13-year-old losing their parents to COVID-19 at Disney World becomes an intrepid teenaged bear on a journey through the circus. Parents of twins dying because they refuse to social distance in line becomes a heartwarming story of plucky orphaned turtles defeating an evil company that is trying to ban hugs.”
Connie Burton, a 45-year-old mother of three, was happy to catch the virus from someone screaming on Splash Mountain if it meant her death could inspire her childrens’ next favourite Disney movie.
“My kids love Lilo & Stitch,” she enthused, pulling down her Mickey-themed facemask to speak more freely. “There’s a dead mom in that, right? If my death doesn’t get turned into Disney’s next hit, at least their lives will become that much more similar to the characters in that one. They’ll be so happy!”
In preparation for its own reopening, Disneyland in California had just changed its famous song to “It’s A Dead World After All.”