New Stimulus Will Just Be Postcards With Positive Affirmations

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senate Republicans will soon unveil their new stimulus package to help Americans through the shutdown of the economy. This package will be less ambitious than the first, though. In fact, the stimulus will simply be postcards in the mail with positive affirmations written on them, such as, “You got this!”, “Things will turn around for you soon!”, and, “Hang in there, bucko!”

“When people read these positive messages,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told the press, “it will help them through these trying times and encourage them to get back to work. Things look dark for people right now, but soon they’ll open their mailboxes and get these cards that say it will all turn out okay. We don’t know how it will, but the card seems pretty certain it will.”

Senate Democrats say this isn’t enough. They want three cards sent to each American over the next three weeks. Senate Republicans have pointed out that this would cost three times as much as their plan, and people could simply read the same card three times to get the same effect. President Donald Trump has also expressed reservations about the plan, thinking it needs some sort of means testing. “We have to make sure we don’t send these postcards to some sort of loser,” Trump explained. “I don’t want to send a message of, ‘You’re going to do okay’ to some idiot everyone knows is going to fail and starve to death.”

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