Rock ’n’ Roll Is Dead. Social Media Is King. What Happened to the Groupie?

Rock ’n’ Roll Is Dead. Social Media Is King. What Happened to the Groupie?

When she was a little girl, Jenna knew exactly what she wanted to be when she grew up: a “pro hoe.” “My uncle was a professional baseball player, and I was enamored by my aunt’s life as a baseball wife,” Jenna tells me. “She was so glamorous, wearing furs and tons of jewelry, and she got to be in a special section at the games. So growing up, I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool to date an athlete or a celebrity?’ I felt equal to celebrities and thought I deserved the perks, too. They may have more money, but I’m just as entertaining.”

Today, the notches on the belt of the 35-year-old are impressive; they even include the bodyguard of her favorite singer. “If he hadn’t been her bodyguard, I wouldn’t have fucked him, but the idea of being one person away from her was intoxicating,” she admits. Jenna also bagged the cousin of a famous politician whom she met at Pier 1 Imports; he reeled her in with pics of his celebrity relative. And once, she sat on the face of someone A-list-affiliated before he left her to go to a pool party at Fred Durst’s house.

But her best starfuck was the son of a world-famous classical musician who was in a band she was obsessed with. “I tried to keep in touch with him after, but he wasn’t that responsive,” she says. “I still listen to his albums, and it brings me back to 2006, when I had no bills.”

Jenna laments what could have been if she had better access. “I feel like if I grew up in L.A., I would have had sex with actual celebrities by now, and not just celebrity-adjacent people,” she explains. Sadly, she lives in Northern California, where the celeb pickings are slim — but occasionally she gets lucky. “My sister was approached by Too $hort at Denny’s once, and he asked her if she had a hot tub they could go back to. She didn’t take him up on it, though.”

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