Where do we come from? Why are we here? These are questions a lot of people agonize over, though we’re usually too busy doing more expedient stuff like watching Netflix. But, because y’all insisted, we got our lazy behinds off the couch and started researching the whole creationism vs. evolution thing. We watched YouTube videos, visited the Ark Encounter, and binged every episode of Bill Nye Saves the World. Several interns died to bring us this information, so please cherish it.
Origins
Creationism: Man looked around at creation and was like, “Yep, this was definitely designed. Only an idiot would think otherwise.”
Evolution: It all began when a guy sailed to an island and saw a bunch of birds with different sizes of beaks which of course can only mean God is dead.
Beliefs
Creationism: We were fashioned by the universe’s greatest artist and engineer who loves us and has a plan for us. Also, Jesus probably rode a dinosaur at some point, which is pretty frickin’ rad.
Evolution: All life evolved from a rock billions of years ago totally by accident so you should just kill yourself because everything is meaningless. Talk about an uplifting worldview!
Notable proponents
Creationism: Jesus, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr, Sir Isaac Newton, Michelangelo, Jackie Robinson, Joan of Arc, William Wallace, Abraham Lincoln, Neil Armstrong, Cyrus the Great, Anne Frank, Superman, Captain America. These guys are real anti-science crackpots! What a bunch of loons!
Evolution: Charles Darwin, Satan, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, The Zodiac Killer, Pol Pot, Mao Zedong, Marquis de Sade, Emperor Nero, The Joker, Voldemort, Bill Nye the Science Guy. A fine group of mostly peaceful individuals.
Prominent works
Creationists: The Bible and pretty much every work of art and literary classic that was ever written in history.
Evolutionists: 50 Shades of Grey, Feminist Baby, On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. (Yeah, that’s the real title of Charles Darwin’s foundational work. How has he not been canceled yet!?)
Accomplishments
Creationists: Western civilization, billions lifted out of poverty, technology, science, innovation, hospitals, relief efforts, libraries, society.
Evolutionists: Hundreds of millions killed by atheistic evolutionists under communism. Great job, guys!
Position on science
Creationism: Against.
Evolutionists: HAIL SCIENCE, FULL OF GRACE
The Discovery Institute – Otherwise known as the Institute of Fake Science for Overly-Religious Dumbasses.
So, here we go… what are your thoughts? For, against, or indifferent? Creationism is nonsense (it is) or is Evolution nonsense? Which has actual evidence instead of hearsay? Which has been objectively observed, documented, tested and verified?
Enjoy.