The White House has announced that President Donald Trump will be hosting an event on the South Lawn on Saturday, exactly two weeks after a dozen people were infected at Amy Barrett’s Supreme Court nomination ceremony in the Rose Garden.
Although the purpose of the event has not been stated, Trump called FOX News intern Tucker Carlson on Friday to say he was disappointed the infection rate among his staff hasn’t been growing fast enough.
“It’s called herd immunity Carl,” said Trump. “That’s when you’ve heard that someone has the corollavirus so you know where you can get some. And like the scientists tell us, you’re supposed to quarantine for two weeks, and then if you don’t have symptoms, you go back to work and you try again.”
Although many key figures of the administration contracted the virus at the nomination ceremony — including Melania Trump, Kellyanne Conway, and Chris Christie — subsequent transmissions were lower than expected, largely due to a widespread reluctance to being trapped in a room with any of these people.
Saturday’s event will include extra measures to ensure every member of Trump’s team is ready to infect others by election day. The South Lawn will be surrounded with plexiglas barriers to pen attendees into a tight space, each guest will be greeted with a french kiss from Rudy Guiliani, and the evening will close with a seance with the ghost of Herman Cain.
“The American people deserve an administration that knows their pain,” White House spokesthing Kayleigh McEnany told reporters at a Friday press briefing. “Like the average, hardworking American, Mr. Trump got tested three times a day, took a helicopter to receive immediate, cost-free treatment from a team of the best doctors, and escaped the ordeal with a mild cough. Joe Biden doesn’t understand how hard that is for the average American. Only President Trump does.”
McEnany has denied critics’ suggestions that Saturday’s event is a naked attempt to weed out any stragglers not willing to literally follow Trump to the grave. Despite this, another event has been scheduled in two weeks, where every White House employee who is still healthy will be denounced as a socialist and burned at the stake.