That’s … well, what can you say?
The Shawnee County Sheriff’s Office detailed the story in a Facebook post:
Some of you may have heard some rumors so we would like to share the info we have… Saturday morning, shortly after 3:30am, we received a 911 call about a disturbance at the Petro Deli. When deputies arrived, they discovered the following information. A 17-year-old male was naked and under the influence of a substance. He covered himself in ranch dressing, damaged property inside a business, ran outside and jumped into a running vehicle, and then crashed into a nearby pillar.