Local Right Wing Terrorist Group Holds 87th Annual Policeman’s Ball

An extremely organized right wing terrorist group known as the “Norfolk Police Department” held an annual fundraising event yesterday to procure more funds for upgrading weapons and tactical vehicles, watchdog groups in the surrounding area confirmed.

“This is a longstanding tradition where we invite some of the most important community members to meet the brave men and women who risk their lives protecting businesses and property from the more… How do I say this? Undesirable citizens in town,” said event organizer Chief Elroy Hilliard. “We want our officers to know which people in town they actually serve. A lot of our bigger donors haven’t been happy about our initiatives to hire more people of color, so we made sure those officers were on duty tonight.”

Activists who have continually called for the police to be defunded protested the event.

“The police in this city are just Klan members who happen to wear blue, and that seems to be the reality all over the country. The last thing they need is more money when those funds could be better spent on outreach in over-policed neighborhoods,” said community organizer Kendra Lombard. “We’ve found that almost 80% of the local police have ties to white supremacist organizations and they don’t even try to hide it — they hold a yearly screening of ‘Birth of a Nation’ on the front lawn of their headquarters, and most of them can somehow recite it word for word even though there’s no talking in it.”

Terrorist watch groups across the country continue to monitor police departments, and have tried to get them listed as hate groups by the federal government.

“Americans have been inundated by high-profile police murders in the past few months, but those incidents are just a small percentage of people that were killed by heavily armed ‘officers of the peace,’” said People Not Police founder Samuel Bergeron. “The federal government does not have a central database on police-involved shootings because they know the numbers would be so staggering that foreign countries might consider sending in peace-keeping soldiers just to keep officers in line. All we can do is remind people to avoid cops at all costs — especially if you make less than $300,000 a year.”

The Policeman’s Ball ultimately raised a record-breaking $5 million, while a week-long fundraiser for Norfolk teachers netted a loss of $10,000.

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