US President Donald Trump has officially signed an executive order establishing seven new American states which have all coincidentally pledged their electoral votes to him.
“I’m very proud of these new states of our nation for heeding the call of democracy and voting me into another term as your president,” said Trump. “I’d like to thank the great states of East Dakota, Anti-Portland, and the five others whose names, populations, and geographic locations we’ll figure out in the next week or so.”
In addition to the two states revealed in Trump’s pronouncement, formal incorporation documents have revealed that the new members of the union include “Florida 2”, “West Russia”, and “Georgia Except Without So Many Black People”. In order to avoid the need to change the country’s flag, seven existing states will also be dissolved and their votes invalidated. Those close to the president expect that California, Washington, Vermont, Oregon, New York, Illinois, and Massachusetts will all be wound down in the coming months. The lands they previously occupied will become unincorporated frontierland devoid of the rule of law.