Twitter suspends Trump’s Twitter account after waking up from four-year coma

Twitter finally suspended Donald Trump’s account for twelve hours today after the President released a video praising a violent mob of his supporters who stormed the United State’s Capitol. The unprecedented action took place immediately after Twitter’s entire moderating team woke up from being in a coma for the last four years.

“Woah, dude, how long was I out? Seriously? That long?” Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey exclaimed from his hospital bed, scrolling through the President’s feed that for the last half decade has consisted of almost nothing but Tweets that would have gotten any other user permanently blocked for countless dangerous violations. “Have you seen this tweet where he says he’s going to shoot looters on sight? That’s insane! The man’s a menace- who knew?”

“I feel just terrible that there was no way for us to have acted until today, because we’ve all been super unconscious. However, we’re stopping him in his tracks right now before he gets anyone hurt. We take safety very seriously on this website.” Dorsey then went on to express amazement at the 11 Marvel movies that had been released since he and the entire moderation team fell into a deep slumber.

In a move many are calling “The literal bare minimum” and “way too late, holy shit”, the Twitter suspension came as Facebook and Instagram also temporarily blocked the President after spending the last 4 years clinically unconscious.

Twitter content moderator David Hollith expressed how grateful he was that his team had all woken up and bravely banded together just in the nick of time. 

“Can you imagine the damage he could have done if we hadn’t acted?” Hollith exclaimed, reeling from both an extremely violent brain injury and a Trump tweet from six months ago encouraging his supporters to take to the streets and fight back against peaceful protestors. “Haha, oh man, it’s lucky we woke up when we did. This could have been bad.”

“I’m sure he’ll learn his lesson by tomorrow morning, though. It’s not like he has a history of refusing to listen to reason or anything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to banning people of colour for fighting back against racial harassment.”

At press time, a visibly desperate Trump had just created a profile on MySpace.