Representatives from all denominations of Christianity have confirmed that God has cancelled Lent because we have all given up quite enough this year already.
Finally, some good news. God has spoken and we can all sack off lent this year.
“The Lord came to me when I was in the shower, of all places,” said Archbishop Simon Williams.
“‘Forgive me Almighty Father!’ I cried, ‘I was just having one last cheeky wank before giving it up for lent!’
“God started to laugh. ‘Oh, don’t worry about it,’ he said.
“‘I’m aware that times are incredibly shit because I continue to let bad things happen, for reasons theologians have never satisfactorily explained.
“‘So tell your flock that there’s no need for lent this year.
“As I speak Jesus is wandering the desert armed with an infinite supply of Marlboro and a massive fuck-off box of Krispy Kremes.
“‘The human race is free to continue getting pissed, to eat entire Chocolate Oranges in one sitting or – in your case – to have at it until your balls are so dry your scrotal sac could be branded ‘North Face’.
“‘Right, sorry to interrupt. Enjoy your orgasm!’ And with that, he was gone.
“So pass it on, my children – fill your boots!
“Buy Easter eggs for yourself even though it’s not yet Easter and you are a grown adult!
“Watch incredibly depraved pornography or ITV 2 without feeling any shame!
“Doom scroll through social media until three in the morning and be too knackered to perform well at work the next day!
“Tell everyone that you think that Boris Johnson is actually doing an okay job!”
At this point, the archbishop was struck and killed by lightning.
“He always takes it too far,” said God.
How far will you go this Lent?