Having proved beyond a shadow of doubt that he is the rightful President, Donald Trump has declared that he will at last do what so many pundits and politicians have called for – move on from the terrible, rigged, sad 2020 election. Today, he announced that from now on he will be laser-focused on proving that he won the even more obviously rigged elections of 1860, 1972, and 2008.
“No way, and I mean no way I ever could lose to a guy like Racist Abe,” said Mr. Trump from his balcony. “Last year I said I had done more for black people than anyone with the possible exception of Abe – and now look, they are taking his statues down, taking his name off of schools, all because he is such a terrible racist! He was my only competition for the black vote, and the great people of America have spoken and I won. Which means I won the Civil War, which is terrific, one of my best achievements, probably top 50.”
Trump also proudly declared he had won the 1972 election, defeating “Spyin’ Dick” Nixon in an incredible landslide, the biggest electoral college margin of victory ever, maybe. “Spyin’ Dick was such a loser. The Watergate hotel, have you seen it? It’s ugly, it’s awful, I tried to have it torn down just to do the country a favor. And he lost Vietnam, which is so sad for the Vietnamese people, who I love very much. I love spring rolls. The fake news about him resigning, it’s all a cover up because everyone knew I really won the election. Sad!”
Sources say that while upset about 1860 and 1972, foremost in Trump’s mind is proving he is the rightful victor of the 2008 election over Cheatin’ Barack. “Obama couldn’t get elected president of the Lions Club, and everyone knows about his birth certificate, have you seen it? Worst photoshop I ever saw, believe me. A disgrace to photoshop. The phony election – some states would not even put me on the ballot, because they didn’t want to embarrass poor Barack, but I still won anyways, which is so incredible. The evidence is all there and it is coming out FAST and FURIOUS now – which by the way, I love Vin Diesel, terrific guy, but it’s so sad what they’ve done to the franchise. Not good, bowing to China – nothing like your favorite four-time president!”