Afghanistan looking forward to peace after US withdrawal, says Taliban Minister of Public Executions

A peaceful execution of power.

As the last American forces leave Afghanistan this summer, the war-torn nation is looking forward to peace, said the incoming Taliban Minister of Public Executions.

“For decades, our people have suffered under the scourge of war,” said Shahabuddin Delawar, behind a towering stack of papers listing names of people who need to be publicly executed. “We’ve lost generations to foreign hegemony, generations that should have been beheaded in soccer stadiums by our rightful government. We are just looking forward to picking up where we left off in 2001.”

Delawar then shook his head as he considered the stack of names in front of him.

“So much work to do,” he sighed.

Other Taliban officials agreed that they too were looking forward to peace.

“With the Americans retreating before us, we must rebuild our nation to be mightier than ever” said Khan Muttaqi, acting Minister of Opium Production. “Afghanistan looks forward to a peace dividend that will allow us to expand upon our relationships with neighboring cartels to ensure we can rid our land of all this primo opium we’re going to be producing.”

Mawlawi Akhundzada, the incoming Minister for Harboring International Terrorists, was practically giddy at the prospect for peace. “We’re going to party like it’s the 7th Century,” he gushed.

In Washington D.C., the Taliban’s optimism was met with scorn.

“We’re not surprised that the Taliban are getting ahead of themselves as though they were a legitimate government,” said Marvin O’Kelly, CIA’s Assistant Director for Messing Around With Other Nations Because Why Not (MAWONBWN). “But there’s still a democratically elected government in place that they have to execute first. And if they do, they should know we’ll be watching them very closely. Well, pretty closely. Probably. Unless something happens in Taiwan or South Korea or something, but what are the odds of that?”

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