House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has decided that the January 6th Committee, which was formed almost ten months ago, has been disappointing because former president Donald J. Trump is still not in prison and he leads Joe Biden by 83 percentage points in a hypothetical 2024 rematch in the presidential election.
“I just know that son of a bitch is guilty of something,” said Pelosi between swigs of Chivas. “So, we’re going to form another committee to look at January 7th as well, and Adam Schiff is going to head it up. We’re sure Trump did something bad that day too.”
When asked who she planned on putting on the new committee in addition to Schiff, Pelosi yelled incoherently, “Get out of my office! Where are my ice cubes?” And then passed out.
Adam Schiff could barely contain his excitement at being Chairdweeb of the new committee. “Now’s my chance to get back at Trump for calling me ‘pencil neck.’ I’ll show him! I’ve been doing neck exercises and taking judo lessons. He messed with the wrong guy!”
To have the new committee appear bipartisan, it is widely expected by beltway experts that both Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) and Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL) will both be on the new committee as well as continuing with the January 6th Committee. When told of the committee’s imminent formation, Cheney said, “Oh boy, I hope Nancy asks me to be on this one too! My daddy will be so proud.”