Texans Explain Why They Are Voting For Greg Abbott

After taking a hard-line stance on issues like abortion, trans rights, and gun control, Gov. Greg Abbott is up for reelection in Texas. The Onion asked supporters why they are voting for him, and this is what they said.

Byron Cole (Pool Maintenance)
“He obviously hates Texas as much as I do.”

Olivia Duncan (Florist)
“As a small-business owner and a mom, I sometimes need a hundred unregistered semiautomatics without delay.”

Abigail Snyder (Poll Worker)
“Voting for our incumbent saves me from having to educate myself on the other candidates.”

Heidi Paulson (Contractor)
“We both agree that 19 dead kids in Uvalde was a good start but not nearly enough.”

Darren Woods (CEO ExxonMobile)
“I feel like I could have a beer with him.”

Mike Davis (Cattle Rancher)
“He doesn’t let power grid failures and school shootings distract him from tackling real problems like trans girls playing tennis.”