Since Mar-a-Lago was raided on Aug. 8, 2022, the FBI has fielded an unprecedented number of threats against its personnel and property. The Onion asked conservatives why they do not trust the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and this is what they said.
“How can we trust an agency that won’t even drag Hillary Clinton out of her home and execute her in the street?” ~ Cindy Martinez (Homemaker)
“They work for the government, unlike regular police.” ~ Heidi McCoy (Botanist)
“They think they can just show up whenever they want and lawfully execute a warrant.” ~ Nate Porter (Personal Trainer)
“There’s no FBI in the Bible.” ~ Raymond Hogan (Truck Driver)
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.” ~ Sarah Leach (CIA Agent)
“‘Bureau’ sounds Mexican.” ~ Simon Walsh (Tour Guide)
“Not shadowy enough.” ~ Sara Haslam (Vet Tech)
“How does confiscating top-secret documents from an unsecured location in the home of an erratic, senile old man make us any safer?” ~ Raj Patel (Computer Engineer)
“A coercive and deadly apparatus of the state, especially one tasked with enforcing a code of law that is already nothing but the vagaries of political self-preservation, should always be feared when it targets white people.” ~ Flynn Chapman (Dentist)
“I’ll never forgive them for assassinating the original Big Bird.” ~ Wendy Costello (Pilot)
“Every day criminals go unpunished while the FBI uses my tax dollars to buy themselves a bunch of fancy windbreakers.” ~ Marcus Adams (Physical Therapist)
“They broke into our home in the middle of the night and murdered my father in cold blood.” ~ Eric Trump (Businessman)
“Look, I’m just telling you what Fox News told me I think now.” ~ Dan Wright (Barber)
