Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say unequivocally: the country is yours,” said President Joe Biden in a Rose Garden address in which he—along with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Secretary of State Antony Blinken—lowered themselves to their knees and pledged fealty to the spherical white invader in exchange for mercy. “You can have all our states, all our protectorates. I have told our military to stand down, and I’d advise all 350 million Americans to do so, as well. There is no way to counter this unstoppable display of force. Please, you have already outwitted us. Take pity on our people.” Biden went on to say he was consider offering an olive branch to the balloon by sacrificing Vice President Harris.