What does the Bible say?

Christianity is, we are told, good news. I have to wonder about both of the implicit claims there… that it’s good and that it’s real; to my mind it’s vile and made up.

Still, what is all this good news that Christians like to sing about whilst wonderingly whispering among themselves that God = Good and that Gospel = Good News?

What a pretty Bible we have for our cover image today! See how it frames the subject perfectly? Before we get onto the “Good News” of the Gospels, perhaps we could take a minute to appreciate the “Good News” of the pretty rainbow and its symbolism to Christians…

The first “Good News” of the Bible is this:

God ain’t going to drown you, your parents, your children, your pets, your plants and all the land you call home again. Again, I ask you. It’d be like coming home to a partner who says “I’ve got some good news for you…” just as they catch you a corker upside the jaw cracking two teeth, splitting your lip and sending you to the ground “…I’m not going to do that to you again”. Only, of course, we know for a fact that the global flood of Genesis never happened, thanks to modern science but doubly so thanks also to archaeology and the decipherment of millennia-old clay tablets that predate the story which was just a rip-off (and a crappy one, at that).

But you’re not supposed to give a hoot about those people… they were all wicked people. God killed them, therefore they were wicked. See how “logical” (and loving) YHWH-worship is?

This contortion of logic extends to justifying God’s (that is, the fictional character called “God” in the Bible, for the avoidance of doubt) urgent commands unto race-based genocide, race-based slavery and the public torture to death of even children… clearly all filthy human 5H@!s deserved whatever they had coming because otherwise God wouldn’t have had to do what He did.


Even though God ain’t gonna drown you… well… that’s the good news… but… well, you’re sure as f&&! gonna wish He had or would… but He promised not to drown us all… before He later assured us all that His intention was quite the opposite for most of us, for whom the soothing fresh cool of water will forever be nothing but a memory so ancient as to make the age of the Universe look like a picosecond… and all the while God won’t let a friend spit on us!

Here is the reading for today:

      Bible: KJV
       Book: Luke
    Chapter: 16

 19 There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:
 20 And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
 21 And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
 22 And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;
 23 And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
 24 And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
 25 But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.
 26 And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.
 27 Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father’s house:
 28 For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.
 29 Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.
 30 And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent.
 31 And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.

And the question for your consideration:

Is Christianity “good news”?

And a bonus question especially for those Christians (I can think of four of you off the top of my head) who when asked for evidence of their beliefs being real provide nothing but dressed-up god-of-the-gaps arguments:

Is there any reason why a sane and rational and reasonable human being should accept the nutty and unpleasant claims of Christainity? Don’t wave your hands and claim “there must be a god”… provide any reason at all why anybody should believe that the Bible was written by one.

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