A real bender

Disclaimer: Usually, I try to build peace and understanding among believers and non-believers. Today, I’m just having fun, aka, being a jerk.  So: caveat emptor!

Trigger warning: The following OP contains descriptions of child abuse, mass killing, and drug references. People of some religious faiths may find it offensive, even blasphemous. If you would prefer not to be exposed to such material, you may leave class now without penalty.

There was a Dad who left his two toddler children alone in their well-stocked kitchen. 

“Eat whatever you want,” says Dad, “but whatever you do, don’t eat the marijuana brownies I left on the kitchen table. That’ll kill you for sure.” Then he went away. It’s not clear where Dad went, but many people are saying he was on a bender. I haven’t looked into it, but some of the smartest people are saying it was an epic bender. I don’t know. You decide. 

While Dad was away, the toddlers looked at each other and said, “What could go wrong?” and dove into the brownies. Dad comes back (hung over?) and finds his kiddos tripping. “I told you not to eat the brownies!” he roars. “‘Eat anything you want,’ I says, ‘just not the brownies,’ I says, and what do you do, you eat the brownies!” So he beats up the girl such that her bottom is never the same again. If you get my drift. And kicks them out of the kitchen.

Well time goes by and pretty soon the household is brimming with Daddy’s children. But they misbehave a lot. This makes Dad very angry. So he kills all his kids. Well, almost all of them. And most of the family pets, too. 

Was he on meth, or crack? It sounds like meth to me. Somebody really oughta look into that. I’m not saying it was meth, but it sure sounds like meth. But I wasn’t there. In any case, when he realizes what he’s done, Dad is flooded with remorse. “Well crap! I just killed my kids! I’d better not do that again!”

Now: This is a sure sign Dad is not a psychopath, as some people insist. Psychopaths don’t do remorse. They’re like, “hey, that was kinda fun killing everyone!” But not Dad, he’s more like, “whoa, what the f* did I just do?” In my opinion, this lends credence to the meth head theory, since meth addicts behave like psychopaths, but they’re not psychopaths. Well, not most of them anyway. But I digress. So remorseful was he, he baked them a cake with rainbow frosting and promised he would never kill almost all of his children again. Because, you know, he loves his kids.

But it’s weird: Even though he killed everybody except the few truly righteous kids, pretty soon the house is a mess again, the kids getting into fights, cussing and doing graffiti, all kinds of bad stuff. What the hell.

“Rules! I forgot to give them rules!” Dad says, slapping himself on the forehead. So he creates ten rules and tapes them on the wall. But the goddamn kids don’t follow the rules! What is it with these miscreants! So every once in a while he sends one of his kids to tell the rest to shape up. But they don’t shape up.

Well. Even though Dad beat the shit out of his first two kids, then killed almost everyone, posted the rules on the wall, and had some of his kids tell the others to shape up. . .the children continue to misbehave. So now Dad is really at the end of his rope. He has tried everything–EVERYTHING–he could think of–all his best parenting skills!–to get the kids to behave, and yet they still wouldn’t. Spankings didn’t help. Killing everybody didn’t help. Posting the rules didn’t help. Telling some kids to tell other kids to knock it off didn’t help. 

[Now by this time, some of you may be doubting Dad’s parenting skills. Or maybe you just think he’s a jerk. But let me ask you this: Who are you to doubt him? Now back to our story.]

And truth is, he was still holding a grudge about those magic brownies. There was really only one answer that made any sense at all: a good bloodletting. “If only I can trick some of my kids into killing my Very Special Kid (bloodily!), surely that will appease my anger over the brownies, and then–FINALLY!–everything will be OK! ‘Cause I won’t be mad anymore. Then we’ll all be one big happy family again.” Of course, Dad is very fond of Very Special Kid, so when they kill him, Dad arranges for VSK to just go down to the basement and hang out with the spiders and evil spirits for a few days. After his three day grounding, VSK pops up out of the basement, tells the bros “Hey, I’m fine!” and then flies away to go chill with Dad for like ever. 

Now, the kids keep misbehaving like they always did, but Dad has become very mellow about it, because of the awesome bloodletting of VSK. Plus, he knows it’s only a matter of time before he sends VSK back down again to raise some holy hell, and the blood will really flow then, and after that everything is gonna be aces. I mean, it’s gonna be awesome. This time for sure, everything is really going to work out.


It’s Friday night and you need a baby-sitter. Dad is available for a hundred bucks, or Weird Al Yankovich for a hundred-fifty. Do you spend the extra fifty bucks to get Weird Al?