Few people know more about marriage and relationships than John Gottman. He has researched relationships for fifty years and developed a state of the art method of couples therapy. He and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman are widely respected clinicians and teachers. Gottman’s model includes the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”–four signs a relationship is in serious trouble. The horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Regarding the second horseman, contempt:
When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.
Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
I posted a comment here the other day that was dripping with contempt for another participant. It felt great–it cut the other person down and clearly established that I get it and that person doesn’t. That person regularly posts views that I consider misinformed and malignant. And I nailed them.
And then I felt a little sick to my stomach. I’m an American, and I believe the second horseman–Americans’ open contempt for each other–is tearing our country apart. And here I was feeding him.
I’m a liberal coastal type and I think America’s right wing may just destroy our democracy. I also understand that many conservatives think the left is about to destroy our country. We’re all afraid–ironically enough, of each other. I think the key factor in whether we actually go over the cliff or pull back from it may be whether we give in to the temptations of the second horseman: Do we treat each other with contempt, or do we resist those temptations and treat each other with dignity–even when it seems like they don’t deserve it?
Frankly, I’m not optimistic. Here at Religion Central, it seems the most energetic threads are little more than pissing matches between certain non-believers and certain believers. In the country’s wider dialog, the second horseman has the run of the place. Expressing contempt for each other feels pervasive, if not dominant. But sometimes things change. I would love to be surprised.
Questions
- What role, if any, in human society does secular humanism ascribe to contempt for each other?
- What role, if any, in the Kingdom of Heaven does the Gospel ascribe to contempt for each other?
- Do you think mutual contempt has been on the rise in our society? If so, do you think we can step back from the brink?