Pope successfully keeps a straight face while calling for ‘end to superstition and magic’

The world’s most prominent believer in the supernatural has appealed to people to stop following outdated and unfounded beliefs.

Pope Francis has visited Papua New Guinea this week as part of his tour of Asia. One of his primary messages to the Islanders was to let go of traditional superstitious customs, despite himself holding views which would make even the most insane conspiracy theorist think twice. 

“Times have moved on, and this is the modern world; headdresses and funny clothes aren’t going to help anyone,” commented Pope Francis as he donned his mitre cap and ceremonial robes.

“I want to end the days of primitive cultural ignorance and cult beliefs. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to address my 1.4 billion followers and guarantee them a place in an afterlife which presumably exists because I said so.”

Pilgrim Simon Williams commented, “We Catholics believe in some wacky stuff such as resurrection, pointless celibacy, demonic possession, drinking the blood of our saviour and the world being created in seven days.