Many thanks to those who responded to the questions in my recent OP, “Danny does the Dao.” From your responses, I gather that the advice, “Accept everything–even the unacceptable” was not an instant hit. A sampling:
I don’t think I can accept racism, hate, or murder.
Accept everything–even the unacceptable. – No, absolutely not.
What do you think about integrating everything, even the unintegratable?
I sure don’t recommend for everyone to do that, because then “the unacceptable” rules as the norm—–it’s all society ever gets.
Well, on the bright side. . .It got atheists and Christians to agree on something! And I don’t think these concerns are wrong. I agree with them as far as they go. But I think we can go deeper!
Many are familiar with the Serenity Prayer: “God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” There’s no incompatibility between “Accept everything–even the unacceptable” and the Serenity Prayer. (Atheists might not appreciate the appeal to God in the latter, but right now the subject is acceptance, not God. With any luck we might get a chance to debate God in another thread.) You can’t change the past. And with the very narrow exception of your own attitude and behavior, you can’t change the present either. All you can hope to do is influence how things develop.
When I say “Accept everything,” I only mean accept everything that actually is (or has been). I don’t mean “accept that it will always be that way,” or “Accept things that aren’t,” or “Be complacent.”
Let’s take “I don’t think I can accept racism, hate, or murder” for example. A perfectly reasonable position. These are things we universally condemn. What does “Accept everything” mean in the context of racism, hate, and murder? It emphatically does not mean I approve of racism, hate, and murder. It does mean I accept the fact that racism, hate, and murder have been with humanity for all of recorded history and that they continue to exist up until this very moment. Those are both things I cannot change. What are my choices in the face of these facts? I can deny or reject them. But that won’t make them actually go away. I can fight the facts. But that won’t make them not be facts. I can refuse to have a moment’s peace unless these facts go away–but what will that solve? Or I can accept them as facts. I can try to make peace with the fact that–as much as I may wish it were otherwise–racism, hate, and murder have been humanity’s constant companions and they continue to exist in this moment. That’s the path I recommend when I say “Accept everything.”
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a psychological treatment with roots in Zen Buddhism; Zen has roots in Daoism as well as Buddhism. DBT teaches a skill called “Radical Acceptance,” which is right in line with all of the above. According to DBT, this kind of acceptance opens the door to change. If I fully acknowledge and embrace what is and what has been, I free myself to work toward something different. If I waste my energy fighting against what is and what has been, I’m left depleted and swinging at ghosts. So if I want a world free of racism, hate, and murder, a good place to start is by fully accepting that today’s world is not free of racism, hate and murder.
In addition to conserving energy that can be used to work for change, radical acceptance makes it easier to see things for what they are. If I can accept that sometimes I’m a jerk, I don’t have to defend against seeing when I’m being a jerk, and I can course correct more quickly than if I can’t accept that I’m being a jerk. If I can accept that I have racist views, then I can work to overcome them; if I can’t accept that I have racist views, I have to deny that I have them. Not only does that deprive me of the opportunity to work to overcome them, it creates a reality-distortion bubble.
Language is tricky–the same set of words can mean one thing to the writer and something quite different to the reader. I hope that dwelling a little longer on “Accept everything” as I’ve done here can narrow that gap.
Questions:
- If you were unfavorably inclined toward “Accept everything–even the unacceptable,” are you any more favorably inclined toward it now?
- If I’ve made it more palatable, have I also made it a big nothingburger? Or is there something substantive there?
- Is there some aspect of reality that you struggle to accept?