Elon Musk appoints Donald Trump as Commander-in-Chief

Musk emphasized that Trump’s leadership would bring “business savvy” to future military operations.

Tesla founder Elon Musk announced on Monday that Donald Trump will serve as commander-in-chief for the next four years, describing the decision as a “logical step forward for democracy—or at least what’s left of it after we’re done.”

The announcement is the latest in a series of moves Musk has made on behalf of the 47th president-elect, following his reported $250 million contribution to secure Trump’s victory in November’s presidential election.

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Musk emphasized that Trump’s leadership would bring “business savvy” to future military operations, pointing to his previous experience overseeing conflicts at Miss Universe pageants.

Trump is already reportedly weighing plans to use military and “economic force” against countries like Canada, Greenland, and the Panama Canal.

“Greenland is practically begging for it,” Trump said, lounging in his Mar-a-Lago residence hours after being inducted as the newest President of the United States. “They’ve got all this ice, beautiful ice, doing nothing. Canada’s got that big, empty middle part. Tremendous empty. And the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal should be relinquished by Panamania and given back to our great nation. Two weeks, we’ll have it done.”

Trump’s supervisor, however, has bigger plans.

Sources close to Musk say the billionaire turned oligarch sees military invasions of sovereign nations as “mere stepping stones” to a larger goal: creating a fully privatized military under a hybrid Tesla-SpaceX banner.

“Good, gooood,” the once-lauded tech giant was overheard muttering over Trump’s shoulder. “Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.”

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Critics have called the move to appoint Trump commander in chief a blatant power grab designed to distract from Musk’s mounting legal troubles and Trump’s declining cognitive abilities. Musk dismissed the criticism, saying, “The country should trust my decision to install a 34-count felon found liable for sexual abuse to lead the men and women of our Armed Forces.”

At press time, Musk was finalizing a list of other countries to invade at dinner while Trump sat quietly at the kid’s table coloring.