Now the US government is striking back: After the new Pope Leo XIV emerged as a harsh critic of the Trump administration, the US President has now appointed wrestler Hulk Hogan as antipope.
“We cannot accept this radical Marxist wannabe pope,” Trump declared at a press briefing in the Oval Office. “He has criticized me and JD in the past. That was bad of him. We have a much better candidate who will use all his muscle for the good cause. I think God absolutely agrees with us. A true MAGA pope.”
The President then invited Hulk Hogan into the room and introduced the new pontiff: “Habemus Pampa, as they say. Pope Musculus the First – what an excellent name! He’s even got his papal outfit, hat and all. He’s also just as good at praying, forgiving sins, walking on water, or whatever it is that pope does. All the servants of evil will feel his blows.”
For the time being, Pope Musculus I will head the American Catholic Church – but the US State Department is working feverishly to gain his worldwide recognition. “If necessary, we will have to impose hefty punitive tariffs if the churches of other countries do not submit to the will of God and continue to cling to this heretic Leo Ix-i-vau. We are also prepared to deploy our military at any time if any heretics feel they shouldn’t follow our real Pope.”
Pope Musculus I then delivered his inaugural address, which consisted mainly of loud shouting and the ripping of his shirt. “Leo, I’m warning you! I’m going to kick your ass!” shouted the new antipope before posing with his arms. “Your cassock will fly off when you meet these fists. Yeah, baby! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”
After his introduction, the Pope stepped outside the White House, where he tossed hot dogs and Mountain Dew to the cheering crowd.
