‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today

https://politics.theonion.com/oh-jesus-now-what-says-exhausted-trump-turning-on-n-1839478742 WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the never-ending stream of news about the current occupant of the Oval Office, an…

Trump Mortified After World Series Crowd Starts Booing, Chanting ‘Lock Him Up’ At Melania

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-mortified-after-world-series-crowd-starts-booing-1839417630 WASHINGTON—As a chorus of jeers began to fill Nationals Park during Game Five of the…

McDonald’s Appealing To Health-Conscious Consumers With New ‘You Can’t Run From Us Forever’ Ad Campaign

https://www.theonion.com/mcdonald-s-appealing-to-health-conscious-consumers-with-1838181744 CHICAGO—In an attempt to win back increasingly health-conscious consumers, fast-food giant McDonald’s launched its new…

Apologetic Conversion Therapy Founder Offers To Electrocute Past Patients Back Into Being Gay

https://www.theonion.com/apologetic-conversion-therapy-founder-offers-to-electro-1837940455 SPARTANBURG, SC—Following an announcement earlier this week in which he acknowledged his own homosexuality, former…

Johnson & Johnson Pledges To Push Uppers For Couple Decades To Even Things Out

https://www.theonion.com/johnson-johnson-pledges-to-push-uppers-for-couple-dec-1837628907 NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After a state court found the company liable for $572 million in damages…

Christ Calls Off Plans For Return After Realizing It’s Been So Long It’ll Be Weird Now

LøkiTHE HEAVENS—Admitting He would not even know what to talk about with His followers after spending…

Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein

LøkiYOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating…

Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra

https://www.theonion.com/victoria-s-secret-accused-of-promoting-unattainable-bea-1837095021 NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously…

Trump Boys Counter Chinese Currency Manipulation By Adding Extra Zeros To $20 Bills

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-boys-counter-chinese-currency-manipulation-by-add-1837104335 WASHINGTON—Struggling to use their best penmanship as they wielded the king-size Sharpie permanent markers, the…

‘Sorry About The Tornado Or Whatever,’ Says Trump Wolfing Down Bowl Of Chili While Consoling El Paso Shooting Victim

https://politics.theonion.com/sorry-about-the-tornado-or-whatever-says-trump-wolfi-1837074904 EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump…