After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues…
Tag: The Onion
Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure
EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store,…
U.N. Names Finland Happiest Country For Third Year In A Row
The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the…
Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy
WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested…
Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work
WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump…
Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President
WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless…
Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American
WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses,…
Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists
WASHINGTON—Sending a loud and clear message to the rival superpower, President Donald Trump hit back at…
Timeline Of Trump Administration’s Response To Coronavirus
As states and cities across the country shut down and the federal government drafts measures to…
‘I Have Coronavirus And I Am Dead’ Says Trump Furthering Confusion Over COVID-19
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Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your F*cking Seats Because This B*tch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’
STANFORD, CA—In response to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak, top U.S. health experts warned the nation Thursday…
Coworkers At Bathroom Sink Locked In Tense Standoff Over Who Going To Wash Hands Longer
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