KYIV, UKR– Since we’re told Joe Biden is a kind, grandfatherly type man, the fictional president is offering his classic warmth and comfort to the people in Ukraine. A transgender soldier has been sent to Kyiv to hold a large banner reading: ‘No More Mean Tweets!’
“I have given Ukraine a reminder that because of me, the corporate media, and a series of well-placed suitcases, we have removed those mean Tweets that reckless ol’ Donald Trump used to send,” Biden said looking into the wrong camera. “Ukraine, who oddly just wrapped up four years of peace and stability, no longer can look on the internet and see divisive words from a president. Oh, I just hate divisive leaders! And every single person who disagrees with me on that is a white supremacist Nazi who we should kill.”
Shortly after Biden’s speech, Facebook fact-checkers rated his words as ‘100% True,’ with the highlighted section being: “The president said the Ukrainians can ‘no longer look at the internet’ and that is 100% true because the nation has been leveled and the internet no longer exists.”
Update: The US Military is considering repercussions for Vladimir Putin after the transgender soldier holding the sign was blown into a million pieces–a hate crime punishable by spending up to four minutes in jail in California.