“Citizens of this great city have the fundamental right to steal merchandise in their own communities without resorting to traveling to other neighborhoods,” said Johnson at a local protest against the store closings. “If our youths don’t have a safe place to work, shop, shoplift, loot, fight, do drugs, terrorize citizens, and smash windows, they may participate in riskier shoplifting, looting, and drug-consuming in affluent communities where cops will actually bother to arrest them until my Soros-funded DA lets them back out on the street. We can’t let this happen!”
Walmart executives insist the move is nothing personal. “We’re just tired of our cashiers and store greeters getting beaten up and every store losing millions of dollars,” said district manager Darnell Monahan. “We’d prefer our workers not get beaten up and robbed and all that stuff. Sorry!”