800-GODSRUS, how can I help you today?
Yes, I’d like to order a god for deliverance.
Certainly, I’m happy to help you with that. What is it you need deliverance from?
My enemies.
Very good, yes, we have several gods you might wish to consider. There’s Yam, god of the sea, Mot, god of the underworld, Ba’–
I need a war god. My enemies are kicking my ass.
Oh yes, I see. I’m very sorry to hear that and we can certainly help. Let me look in our catalog. Here’s one, named. . .well, I’ll have to spell it out, he doesn’t like his name to be spoken: Y-H-W-H.
I’ll take him.
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800-GODSRUS, how can I help you today?
Yeah, I bought this war god, Y-H-W-H, and it’s not working out. My enemies are kicking my ass again.
I’ll need to transfer you to Support. Please hold.
[Long wait.] Support, how may I help you?
Yeah, I bought this war god, Y-H-W-H, and it’s not working out. My enemies are kicking my ass again.
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that! I know how hard it can be when your enemies are beating up on you! Let me look at the logs here. . .Mmm, it seems he is not happy with you. Says here he will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought; and ye shall be plucked from off the land whither thou goest to possess it.
Ooh, ouch. It says your carcasses will be food for all the birds and the wild animals, and there will be no one to frighten them away. Let’s see how the manual says to fix this. . .uh. . .oh, here it is: Looks like you need to hearken diligently unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe and to do all his commandments.
Um. . .easier said than done. I’ll see what I can do.
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800-GODSRUS, how can I help you today?
I bought this war god, Y-H-W-H. I need an upgrade. He’s harshing my mellow. Is there anything you can do?
Let me see what we can do. Please hold. . . .Um, yes, it looks like you’re in luck. I can deliver a baby, just in time for Christmas. How does that sound?
A baby! What the hell good is that?
It says here. . .wait, let me verify this. . .Um, looks like this is not just any baby. This baby is your god’s only begotten son, and it looks like he’s promising a new deal. Something about peace on earth, goodwill toward men.
Well, peace on earth sounds refreshing. But what about women? No goodwill for them?
Doesn’t say. I think they’re probably included.
Hm. Sounds interesting. You sure it’ll be here by Christmas?
Guaranteed delivery by Christmas!
Um, ok, you recommend it?
It’s to die for!
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Merry Christmas, everybody–believers and nons alike!