In a ceremony filled with pomp and, ironically, very little circumstance, Guinness World Records awarded the Israeli Mossad the coveted title for “Most Vasectomies Completed at Once.” The elite intelligence agency proudly smashed the previous record, held by none other than the 2024 Democratic National Convention, where thousands of male attendees reportedly lined up to voluntarily renounce their future offspring.
“We always knew Mossad could perform surgical strikes, but this time they’ve gone a step further,” said a Guinness representative while handing over the gleaming, scissor-shaped trophy. “Their precision and efficiency in this unprecedented mass procedure is nothing short of remarkable.”
The record-breaking event, which took place under a veil of secrecy (as you’d expect from the Mossad), involved over 5,000 participants in a top-secret location. Witnesses report it was a highly coordinated effort, with elite agents performing vasectomies as swiftly and effortlessly as they’ve intercepted covert operations in the past.
“We’re incredibly proud to set this new benchmark,” said Mossad Director Haim Clipstein, who denied any association with certain unsanctioned operations that may or may not involve espionage. “It’s an operation that leaves no trace. Well, except for the participants’ diminished reproductive futures.”
The previous record-holders, the Democratic National Convention, set their record in a bold move during the 2024 primaries. In an effort to “prove their unwavering commitment to population control, climate change, and the total erasure of toxic masculinity,” thousands of male attendees volunteered for what was billed as the “Green New Sterility Deal.”
Guinness officials, meanwhile, have assured everyone that all vasectomy operations were consensual—well, as consensual as anything can be in a covert Mossad operation. “We’re just happy to see the best being the best,” one official added, wincing slightly.
As for the future of the record, the Democratic National Convention is already planning a comeback. Rumor has it that in 2028, they’ll attempt to reclaim the title with a combined “Gender-Neutral Sterilization and Tax Filing Workshop.” A bold move, to say the least.
Obey