PHILADELPHIA — In a dramatic finale to her rally in the swing state of Pennsylvania, Vice President Kamala Harris shocked attendees by sacrificing six babies to the ancient deity Moloch on stage, marking what political analysts are calling her boldest appeal yet to the progressive base.
“I want to thank each and every one of you for coming out today, but especially these brave, adorable infants,” Harris said with her signature grin, holding a golden ceremonial dagger aloft. “This is the kind of unity and dedication we need to win in 2024.”
While some onlookers seemed confused, the majority of the crowd burst into applause and spontaneous chanting of “Yes we can!”
As flames billowed from an ornate bronze altar shaped like an owl, Harris reminded supporters that “sacrifices are necessary for the greater good—just like higher taxes.” She then invoked Moloch to bring good fortune to her campaign and ensure “unfettered access to women’s reproductive rights.”
Several prominent Democrats in attendance praised the ritual. “This is what leadership looks like,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom, wiping a tear. “It takes real guts to perform an ancient blood rite while staying on-message.”
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer applauded the event as “a perfect blend of tradition and progressivism,” adding, “You can’t spell ‘sacrifice’ without ‘progress.’”
In response to the ceremony, former president Barack Obama tweeted, “Kamala’s got the kind of audacity we need right now.”
Predictably, Republicans were quick to condemn the event, with Senator Josh Hawley calling it “a grotesque display of moral bankruptcy.” In response, the Harris campaign tweeted, “Sorry, Josh. It’s called freedom—look it up.”
Meanwhile, Harris’s running mate, Tim Walz, took to social media to remind followers that the ritual was “deeply inclusive” and featured infants from a variety of backgrounds. “Equity matters, even in ancient blood offerings,” Walz added proudly.
As the rally wrapped up, campaign insiders confirmed that this was only the first in a series of Moloch-themed events planned for battleground states. “We’re working on baby sacrifices in Ohio and Wisconsin,” said a campaign strategist. “It’s polling really well with suburban women.”
Asked if she feared backlash from religious groups, Harris shrugged. “Look, democracy is messy, but so are entrails,” she said cheerfully. “We’ll see you all at the polls—or the altar!”