Do you realize that this is the 12th year we’ve run this series? Time really flies when you don’t have something lodged up your butt. But for those of you who do, read on to see if you made this year’s list of the weirdest stuff that entered America’s orifices. If not, there’s always next year.
All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the entries below involved some very poor decisions.
Penis
- 4 INCH METAL TUBE
- “TOOK A PIECE OF PLASTIC COATED PAPER FROM A MILK CONTAINER, ROLLED IT TIGHTLY, WRAPPED IT WITH TAPE TO THE SIZE OF ‘GREATER THAN A CRAYON’ AND INSERTED IT AS FAR AS HE COULD INTO HIS PENIS SEVERAL HOURS AGO”
- GLUE
- RING FROM POWERADE BOTTLE
- DOMINO
Vagina
- PLASTIC CUBE
- PLASTIC TRICERATOPS
- SHOT GLASS
- STATUE
- TOY FIRE TRUCK
- “PATIENT REPORTS PARTNER WAS WEARING AN ENHANCEMENT APPARATUS THAT BECAME STUCK FOLLOWING INTERCOURSE”
- PENCIL, SIDEWAYS
- “PLACED A DEVICE THAT HAS A VAGINAL SEX TOY AND AN ANAL PORTION WHICH ARE CONNECTED BY RUBBER CORD BOTH INTO HER VAGINA.THEY WERE UNABLE TO RETRIEVE. THEY DID HAVE SOME ALCOHOL THIS EVE”
- CURLING IRON
- BAG OF SOIL
- “WAS ROUGHHOUSING WITH HER HUSBAND WHO LIFTED HER UP AND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HER ON A HOT DOG COOKER. VAGINAL BLEEDING”
- “PATIENT STATES THAT HIM AND HIS WIFE ‘GOT CARRIED AWAY’ AND A PORTION OF A PLASTIC SCREWDRIVER HANDLE IS IN HIS RECTUM”
- 12-INCH RATCHET EXTENDER, “DOESN’T KNOW WHY”
Rectum
- “PATIENT STATES THAT HIM AND HIS WIFE ‘GOT CARRIED AWAY’ AND A PORTION OF A PLASTIC SCREWDRIVER HANDLE IS IN HIS RECTUM”
- 12-INCH RATCHET EXTENDER, “DOESN’T KNOW WHY”
- COOKING SPRAY
- “PATIENT STATES SHE BELIEVES SHE HAS A VIBRATOR IN EITHER HER RECTUM OR VAGINA”
- 18-INCH DILDO
- DILDO FROM 4 DAYS AGO
- “SHOVED A BAG CONTAINING 20 HYDROXYZINE PILLS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR ‘STREET CRED'”
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Read the full list of items at
