Wombosi – proud Gen X here – hates this. He really does. Because by writing this, Wombosi officially becomes the thing he despises most: an old fart yelling at young people. But here we are. Wombosi wishes he could just let you all spiral into the abyss without commentary. Still, someone has to say something before you turn civilization into a flaming heap of TikTok challenges and undiagnosed ADHD.
Wombosi remembers when his elders yelled about “kids these days” with their computers and their bongs. Now, Wombosi is yelling about kids these days with their smartphones, their influencers, and their inability to make eye contact. The circle of life. But, unfortunately, unlike past generations, Zoomers are doomed. Not just because of global economic shifts and social instability but because your survival instincts have been replaced by an algorithm that thinks you want to watch a six-hour analysis of Shrek.
So listen up, because he is only saying this once.
Sorry That You Cannot Afford Real Estate But It Is Not Wombosi’s Fault
Look, He gets it. Housing is stupidly expensive. Everything is expensive. But before you go blaming Boomers and Xers for “hoarding” real estate, Wombosi would like to remind you that most of them just signed some paperwork in the 80s and ended up with a four-bedroom house for the price of a mid-range Toyota. Blame the economy, blame the Federal Reserve, blame hedge funds turning houses into Pokémon cards. But yelling at people for existing longer than you will not make a two-bedroom apartment cost less than your yearly salary.
Voting for Trump Will NOT Fix Anything
Wombosi knows some of you have become irony-poisoned enough to think, “haha, what if we vote for Trump, just to watch everything burn?” Guess what? Wombosi remembers 2016, and you are not original. If you want to watch things burn, just wait a few years—at the rate things are going, you will not need an election to see the fireworks. And if you think the other guy is going to save you? Wombosi has news: no politician is your friend. If you want change, stop expecting people with yachts to care about your $150,000 student loan debt.
ChatGPT is NOT an Encyclopedia
Wombosi appreciates AI, he really does. It is great for generating terrible essays, helping cheaters do their homework, and making up completely false information with the confidence of a bad used car salesman. But Wombosi has noticed that Zoomers seem to think ChatGPT is some kind of all-knowing oracle. It is not. It is a very advanced, very enthusiastic chat emulation. If you do not believe Wombosi, ask ChatGPT to cite its sources and try to find what it claims in there.
Learn to Read Maps (GPS Will Fail You Someday)
Wombosi has watched you people use Google Maps to walk to a McDonald’s across the street. This is unacceptable. What happens when your phone dies? What happens when the satellites turn against you? (Wombosi does not know why they would, but he suspects that SkyNet will eventually become conscious.) Learn how to read a real map. Learn north from south. Stop treating basic navigation like an ancient mystical art.
Learn to Read Cursive (It’s Not a Secret Code)
Wombosi is deeply concerned that an entire generation has been rendered illiterate by squiggly lines. “Oh no, I can’t read Grandma’s letters!” Then learn, child. Boomers and Xers may have ruined a lot of things for you, but they at least had the decency to understand written English in multiple formats. Wombosi does not want to hear excuses.
Live One Day a Month Without Your Phone (You Will Not Die)
Wombosi challenges you: one day a month, turn off the phone. Not airplane mode. Not “just checking real quick.” Off. Wombosi knows this sounds impossible, but believe it or not, the human brain is capable of functioning without constant stimulation from tiny glowing rectangles. You might even like it. Or, you know, you might have a full-blown existential crisis. Either way, it will be fun to find out.
Learn to Do Any Job Right, Then Expect a Raise or Promotion
Wombosi has noticed that Zoomers are both allergic to work and deeply offended when they don’t get promoted immediately. You want more money? Cool. Do your job well first. And no, “showing up” is not the same thing as “doing your job well.” Wombosi is not saying you should tolerate exploitation, but he is saying that if you think “bare minimum Mondays” is a revolutionary concept, you might want to lower your expectations for that six-figure salary.
Learn Math and Science (You Are Making Us Look Bad)
Wombosi is tired of watching Zoomers struggle to calculate a 20% tip. Math is important. Science is important. You live in an era where every fact in existence is a five-second search away, yet Wombosi keeps seeing people believe in healing crystals and that the Earth is flat. Wombosi does not have the patience for this nonsense. Be better.
Sorry for the Millennials, We Have No Idea What Went Wrong with Them
Finally, Wombosi must apologize for Millennials – your parents. He does not know what happened there. We tried to raise them right, and somehow they ended up being sad about everything, obsessed with Harry Potter, and unable to afford a house. Wombosi fears Zoomers will be worse.
It might be time to abandon all hope and this OP is just howling at the moon. But believe Wombosi when he says: He is still rooting for you… 
Questions:
If you are a Zoomer, how do you see your future. In your opinion, did Wombosi get some things right or are you just all misunderstood?
If you are not, do you fear for the Zoomers and the TikTokalypse, or do you think they can avoid becoming the Copper Tops of their AI overlords?