In these enlightened times, it’s become increasingly clear that the true measure of one’s character lies not in deeds or words, but in one’s unwavering support for the most creative uses of public funds. Consider, if you will, the noble endeavor of allocating taxpayer dollars to immigrants for the upkeep of entirely fictional children. These phantom offspring, conjured from the ether of imagination, require no diapers, no schooling, no midnight feedings—yet they demand our financial benevolence all the same. And why? So that the recipients might dutifully remit these sums to African warlords, those unsung philanthropists of geopolitical stability.
If this strikes you as anything less than a paragon of fiscal responsibility, I regret to inform you: you’re literally Hitler.