SUMRALL, MS—In an effort to address the backlash against his alleged participation in a massive scheme to misuse state funding, former NFL star Brett Favre on Friday was reportedly making amends by sending every Mississippian on welfare a photo of his penis. “I am sorry for what I’ve done and letting the most vulnerable people of Mississippi down, and it is my greatest hope that you’ll accept a signed photograph of my cock as my request for forgiveness,” said Favre, explaining that over the next few weeks, each of the approximately 440,000 Mississippi residents currently on welfare would receive a signed copy of one of several different photographs of his erect member. “While it may not make up for the welfare money you were expecting, this is a genuine dick pic from a Hall of Fame NFL quarterback, and would look really nice on the mantle. You could also sell it, if you’re hard up for some money, or ladies could perhaps use it to pleasure themselves, and derive some benefit from that. Ultimately, I hope that a picture of my penis will convey my deepest apologies for my actions, and that I can be back in the good graces of the great people of Mississippi.” At press time, residents across Mississippi were opening their mail to find a picture of Favre’s penis, with the handwritten signature “Sorry—Brett. P.S. u like this?”
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Article URL : https://theonion.com/brett-favre-makes-amends-by-sending-photo-of-his-penis-1849598075/